Dear Erin:
Uncle Paul here.
So you’ve gone back to camp again. Some people never learn. Well, I’m sure you’re having fun and it will be a couple of great weeks in the woods with your friends, the mosquitoes, and the black flies.
Now, before you read any further I want you to make sure that there are no adults around. The next thing I’m going to tell you is a secret that people of your age are not supposed to know. In fact, I could get in a great deal of trouble for telling you this, but since you’re my favourite niece I’m going to break the adult vow of silence and tell you anyway. Here it is: you probably think that your parents sent you to camp because they love you and they want you to have a great adventure this summer. Well, I’m sure they love you, but the rest is a big fat lie. They sent you to camp for the same reason that all parents send their kids to camp: so they could have fun without you! That’s right – they’re doing all sorts of incredibly cool things right now without you! They’re going to neat movies and great restaurants; they’re sleeping in and playing video games; they’re shopping and going to amusement parks. They may even have gone to Disneyland!!
Oh, I know, when you get back from camp they’ll tell you that they’ve been working on the house, going to their jobs, cutting the grass. All lies. They hired someone to do the work on the house and the gardening. They’ve been too busy lying on a beach in the Bahamas while you’ve been eating burnt wienees and getting bug repellent in your eyes. They’ve hired a butler to serve them breakfast in bed while you’ve been picking leeches off your legs.
So now that you know the secret, let me tell you what you can do about it: make them feel miserable. That’s right – if they’re going to have fun without you they should be made as guilty as possible about it. This can be accomplished in three easy steps.
Step one:
Write a letter home. Your parents are probably not actually at home, but I’m sure their mail will be forwarded to their hotel in Paris. Anyway, the letter should go something like this:
Dear Mom and Dad:
I am having a great time at camp. The burns are healing nicely and if I can keep the flies off them they shouldn’t get infected. We’re doing all sorts of neat activities. Yesterday we played "run from the bear." My best friend Sally lost that one. And the new camp leader has one called "polish my boots." She’s German. I’ve been so active that I’ve lost weight! Or maybe it’s because of the camp cook’s "dysentery diet." (I’ve been spending a lot of time in the bathroom.) Some of the other kids are so homesick that they’ve become pale and feverish and have started screaming uncontrollably, but not me! The camp nurse says 101 degrees is not really a fever. I do miss sleeping in a bed with dry sheets and a mattress, but at camp you have to rough it! Anyway, I hear the dinner bell. The cook has invented a meal called "mystery meat." We’ll win a prize if we guess what it is. I don’t know yet, but I did hear the cook call one of the ingredients "Veronica" which is kinda funny cause that’s the name of the girl who went missing two days ago. Anyway, should be good. I just have to "run from the bear" to get to the food hall! Bye!
Lots of love, Erin.
P.S. I hope you’re not working too hard.
Step two:
Phone home. Now, your parents are probably not home. They’ve probably not on this continent, so you’re going to get their answering machine. Perfect. You may need to get some friends to help you with the sound effects so you can leave a message like this:
Hello? Mom? Dad? [cough, cough] This is Erin. I’m just phoning to say hello but I guess you’re busy at work [cough]. I’m having a great time at camp [sound of screams in the background]. That’s my friend Elizabeth [more screams]. She had a boo-boo with an axe yesterday. She says her hand hurts but it can’t. It’s just "phantom limb" syndrome [fading scream]. Anyway I just wanted to say [cough] that if you need to get more work done [cough cough] I can stay another week. The camp leader, Fraulein Schadenfreude, says I’m the best at cleaning the latrines and next week we’ll be allowed to change our underwear [cough]. I’m going to change with Betty. Could you just send me a few things? Flea powder, toilet paper, penicillin, pepper spray for the friendly bears, and Type-O negative blood. Oh and . . . [sound of door slamming and a female voice shouting "Schnell! Schnell!], oops, have to go! The Fraulein doesn’t like to be kept waiting. It’s craft day. If I sew a hundred "Armani" shirts together I get an extra crust at breakfast [cough]. We can stay up all night sewing. What fun! [hacking cough followed by shouts of "Schnell! Raus!]. Love you! Too bad you’re not having fun like me! [hacking wet cough] Bye! [sound of truncheons hitting flesh].
Step three:
Coming home. When you get home from the camp you have to act strangely. Here are a few tips:
1) Whenever your parents make a comment, click your heels together, salute, and shout "Yes commandant!"
2) When you have your first meal back home, pour it out of the plate onto the floor and eat it with your hands. When your parents ask you what you’re doing, say "No, really. I like it better this way."
3) When your parents ask you to take a bath, say "Bath? What is ‘bath’?"
4) When you come home, ask your parents what that "white water hole" in the bathroom is. When they flush the toilet, run screaming from the room.
5) If they give you any food that has flavour, taste a little and shout "It burns! It burns!"
6) Pretend to be amazed by electric lights.
7) Refuse to sleep in your bed. Say you’d rather sleep on the floor of the closet while clutching a big knife.
8) If you see a squirrel in a park, chase after it. When your parents ask what you’re doing say "Catching dinner."
9) If you see an open flame, like a candle, fall on your knees and start worshipping it.
10) Have arguments with rocks.
11) Tie chicken bones in your hair and talk as much as possible in grunts and German.
12) Refuse to watch TV. Say "I’m afraid of the little man in the glass box."
13) Clean your teeth with a stick.
14) If anyone mentions the word "camp" immediately stand stock still, roll your eyes back, and repeat in a monotone voice "camp is nice no one hurt me camp is nice no one hurt me." Keep repeating this, faster and faster, then fall on the ground and twitch. Then stand up and pretend nothing happens. If someone mentions camp again, repeat the performance.
That should do it. It will be a long time before your parents send you away again.
All my love,
Uncle Paul.
No comments:
Post a Comment